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The second chapter, where the female protagonist, Neivria, is introduced. The situation for her is completely the opposite as the one for Loztu, excepting in some minor facts.
About the traslation from Spanish, there are some comments. I am trying to use a standard English. When it is not possible, I try to use British English, because I am european, but as I read more texts in American English I could mix both versions of English. The "strong language" and vulgar language are very hard for translating. In the original in Spanish, the three boys' comments are offensive but they are a little bit more indirect than in English version. The only "strong word" that Neivria uses, in Spanish sounds more colloquial than offensive: it's rather "light" and even children use it. The translation has the same meaning, but perhaps is "stronger" in English. Calenia's bad words should sound rather strong in English, because they are very offensive in the Spanish version.
I did not find music for this chapter.
One of the tags is expermental.
The version in Spanish is here: imageshr.deviantart.com/art/Ca…
REMARK: I made some changes in the text as suggested below. I named some terciary characters because had little sense that Neivria did not know their names, I clarified why Calenia's new boyfriend says no word (her girlfriend do not give him opportunities... in fact, Calenia's boyfriend is intimidated by both girls). I have given more importance to the description of the fight between Neivria and Palava, hinting at the fact that it was really hard. It was very different from the previous childish fights and it was enough hard to justify why Neivria was expelled from Malgate.
I added also something that I forgot. Neivria's father did not want to say goodbye to her because they had a heated argument. This also helps to understand that Neivria is not very resentful and she uses to forgive others faster than others to her. As she hardly understand resentful people, she feels hurt when she is not forgiven.
About the traslation from Spanish, there are some comments. I am trying to use a standard English. When it is not possible, I try to use British English, because I am european, but as I read more texts in American English I could mix both versions of English. The "strong language" and vulgar language are very hard for translating. In the original in Spanish, the three boys' comments are offensive but they are a little bit more indirect than in English version. The only "strong word" that Neivria uses, in Spanish sounds more colloquial than offensive: it's rather "light" and even children use it. The translation has the same meaning, but perhaps is "stronger" in English. Calenia's bad words should sound rather strong in English, because they are very offensive in the Spanish version.
I did not find music for this chapter.
One of the tags is expermental.
The version in Spanish is here: imageshr.deviantart.com/art/Ca…
REMARK: I made some changes in the text as suggested below. I named some terciary characters because had little sense that Neivria did not know their names, I clarified why Calenia's new boyfriend says no word (her girlfriend do not give him opportunities... in fact, Calenia's boyfriend is intimidated by both girls). I have given more importance to the description of the fight between Neivria and Palava, hinting at the fact that it was really hard. It was very different from the previous childish fights and it was enough hard to justify why Neivria was expelled from Malgate.
I added also something that I forgot. Neivria's father did not want to say goodbye to her because they had a heated argument. This also helps to understand that Neivria is not very resentful and she uses to forgive others faster than others to her. As she hardly understand resentful people, she feels hurt when she is not forgiven.
Mature
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What I found interesting here is the way you presented the difference between Neivria and Loztu as both individual personalities and their cultures by having her introductory chapter parallel his in the concept of how they leave home- whereareas his departure is both as a part of duty, planned, and approved by his family, here we have her essentially being kicked out of the community and not in the fashion she'd ideally wanted. And where he is somewhat already a little aware of the dangers of the world, she seems to not really think much about that- in fact, Neivria for all her bluster, ambition, and wilfull rebelliousness seems to actually be either very naive or a tad immature- she doesn't seem to be able to connect the dots between her choices/actions and the consequences, for example in thinking that by acting out more that it would get her the permission to leave from her parents that she so desperately wanted. I almost wondered why she never appeared to consider just running away if she really wanted to leave her small town/village so badly. Unless there was some unknown fear or reserve holding her back, it clearly affected her badly to know that the cost of getting what she thinks she wants ended up in both alienating her family and community (does she have any real friends here? it seems like everyone she meets here aside from her sister/parents is either a rival or just not someone she cared to talk to) and being banished as it were.
I also get the impression that Malgate is a rather small community where presumably everybody knows almost everyone else. Which did lead me to a concern that very few of these characters (the boys at the fountain, the "handsome" youth her rival was toting around but who never says a word) are named. About the only one we get some summary of in relation to herself is Calenia, but I think it would be interesting if more of that were added in both in developing her some more and understanding the context of her situation and grief at leaving. Neivria's a delightfully contradictory character already, and I think getting some more sense of the people who surrounded her in her previous life, such as the girls she got into fights with, the shady crowd she hung around in attempt to annoy her parents, her parents themselves, et cetera along with why her dream of being a pirate is so important to her, would help bring out those qualities and make her even better.
I don't have too much to say about the language here, save that I think it is a fair enough mix at this point that it could be considered both British and American English (the more "British" spelling of the word "arse" aside). I do have to correct one phrasing: "Calenia stole a boyfriend to Neivria" should be "*from* Neivria" otherwise it would sound like Calenia did the exact opposite of what you intended to imply she did.
But all in all, a good chapter and a fun character.
I also get the impression that Malgate is a rather small community where presumably everybody knows almost everyone else. Which did lead me to a concern that very few of these characters (the boys at the fountain, the "handsome" youth her rival was toting around but who never says a word) are named. About the only one we get some summary of in relation to herself is Calenia, but I think it would be interesting if more of that were added in both in developing her some more and understanding the context of her situation and grief at leaving. Neivria's a delightfully contradictory character already, and I think getting some more sense of the people who surrounded her in her previous life, such as the girls she got into fights with, the shady crowd she hung around in attempt to annoy her parents, her parents themselves, et cetera along with why her dream of being a pirate is so important to her, would help bring out those qualities and make her even better.
I don't have too much to say about the language here, save that I think it is a fair enough mix at this point that it could be considered both British and American English (the more "British" spelling of the word "arse" aside). I do have to correct one phrasing: "Calenia stole a boyfriend to Neivria" should be "*from* Neivria" otherwise it would sound like Calenia did the exact opposite of what you intended to imply she did.
But all in all, a good chapter and a fun character.